5th May 2024 — complete and total sludge
Today, I feel like a Planarian.
Common and thoroughly flattened since birth, characterized by a three-branched intestine that cannot make up its mind on what the fuck it wants to eat today (but it will eat anything.) I will do that soon, not yet, but soon- is how I feel today. I am so thoroughly exhausted by the world around me. I am so not excited to sit 4 exams in one week. Suddenly, the idea of knowing nothing but the dark expanse of water, perceiving jack shit through my pigmented cell cup and photoreceptor cell eyes, is the only thing I want. I wished my axons projected directly to the visual centre of my planarian brain. I wish I didn’t have a brain.
You could cut me in half and watch me regrow another head out of my ass. Anything but having to wake up another day to live this same routine until I’m free from this fate of remembering and regurgitating and remembering and regurgitating. Today, I despise the fact that I chose this for myself. In two weeks’ time, I would probably brush it off as another moment of weakness.
7th June 2024 — Extra Strenuous Order
I wish there were a better way to measure two weeks. All my exams are done, and summer has started. I am like the latest retired racehorse—pacing in my own house, still running myself into exhaustion. I'm still cherishing every ounce of rest. I drown in daytime naps and wake up mid-REM cycle. I lie in bed until my stomach eats itself, just to catch the last bright light of morning. I wake at five, eyes tired from the direct sunlight on my face. I sleep even later and push against the haze of sleep into the quiet a.m. hours. I am like this endless generator of energy. All that everything with nowhere to put it down.
My last exam was this morning, and now, all I can think about is the emptiness that awaits me. What do you mean I have no plans? What do you mean I don’t have to wake up at a certain time tomorrow? Freedom is a curse when you love control. Today, I despise the fact that I chose this for myself. In two weeks’ time, I would probably brush it off as another moment of weakness.
"Freedom is a curse when you love control. " I can definitely relate to that