I’m back to drinking black coffee. I even considered picking up smoking, but I know better, so I don’t. I’m flying back in a few days, and my room is emptier than ever. I’ve been trying to figure out how to navigate this new emptiness. What happens when a cycle ends, and a new one hasn’t started yet? I am currently primordial. Existing in a loop of sleep, eat, shop, sleep. Mini-samsara. Cosmic egg conditions. I want to be alone, but I need to talk to someone. Most mornings, I call him, and we have the same conversation on a loop.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I miss you”
“I miss you more.”
I love it.
Nothing else stills me more.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to spend each moment of my day. The lack of structure leaves room for too much nothingness. If you have too much coffee, you might end up even hungrier. Researchers say now that caffeine is transient.1 Its role in maintaining appetite is elusive, and yet it seems we’ve all heard that, at some point, it makes you less hungry.
For the longest time, I was convinced I had to give up drinking caffeinated drinks. Something about the way it supposedly compounded my anxiety, though now, looking back, it was more like my anxiety compounded my body’s experience of caffeine. I would probably implode if I had a cigarette. I’m convinced that any stimulant is bound to push my brain into heightened states of sensing so potent I’d feel the burn of every breath I take in.
After more pondering, I realize there seems to be a secret threshold within me. Some stress meter was probably tacked on somewhere on the surface of my adrenal glands, checking for heightened cortisol secretions and generally disparaging feelings. And for everything to work as it should, a balance of stress and rest has to be maintained at all times.
Sometimes, stress is so high that it fuels itself. During my exams, I managed with decaf and just my nerves alone. I never missed a single alarm because my body was never fully rested. I would sleep, skimming the edge of REM—never fully settling into my pillow, my legs never really still. I would wake up with the same thoughts I had going to bed. Time would fly, and yet I remained unnaturally still. Fight/Flight/Freeze. Eat/Sleep/Read. I was a coiled-up spring. Dying to set off.
Now it’s different. Now, I stress myself out just to function. The string is lax, blowing in the wind. It’s saying: don’t deep it, girl, just don’t. But here I am, caffeine-blooded, making mountains out of nothing.
I think this is true. Ultimately, nothingness is just the potential for something. But how do we go about carving a path for ourselves when the temptation to split in every direction rises within us? You could be anything, so you do everything and end up with nothing to show for it. Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you yet. But I think it has something to do with knowing which passion to prioritise.
I’ll tell you when I figure it out.
-swan
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading <3
This is the pondering corner where I leave you something to think about; feel free to let me know your thoughts down below. x
I’ll be doing this more often starting now.
Pondering about: Cosmic egg vs embryo development at 3 weeks.
Leah M. Panek-Shirley, Carol DeNysschen, Erin O’Brien, Jennifer L. Temple, Caffeine Transiently Affects Food Intake at Breakfast, Journal of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, Volume 118, Issue 10,2018, Pages 1832-1843, ISSN 2212-2672, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jand.2018.05.015.(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2212267218307688)
Hi swan! Just discovered your blog and I love the overall aesthetic. Looking forward to reading more of your work.