When those two horses ran through London, I felt a terrible purpose. The sight was almost prophetic in nature. Black horse, White horse. Hurt horse, Strong horse. The streets fell quieter than a forest when a monster would pass by. I felt deeply somehow that we were missing the point of it all. That these horses would cackle if they could at our obliviousness. Don’t they know it’s all going to shit?—they cannot even stop us from ruining it for everyone. For all the shock and all the blood—There was only strength in the force at which they ran and kept running. At worst, horses are only pack animals. We look at and love domesticated, servile entities—because they listen to us and do as we say. At best, they are still ambassadors of nature’s willingness to compromise with the human race. A kick from a horse will hurt you just as badly as any car crash.
Today, I lay languid in my bed, after ridding the guilt of not revising enough for my upcoming exams, blasting through flashcards that only grazed my short-term memory; I am in the midst of a daydream where I am tucked into the corner of my lover’s couch, sinking into the growing gap as my body steals the space where all the cushions should be. He does not mind that I have dug myself into a hole fifty times deeper than I am tall. I am unsure whether he loves me for my complexity or does not mind living with the chaos inside me. I yearn so badly to fall asleep next to the man who has never once told me what I feel is wrong. My tendency to be awful and restless after being spooked by oncoming traffic is perplexing. I often question if it is inherited, this small-animal awareness I have come to foster when out and about in the world. What makes a girl need to be that skittish?
There is something to be said about nourishing that little beast within you—the undulating entity your mind grows from bits and pieces—throwaway comments or something you once saw your sister, mother, aunt, or grandmother do. I believe femininity is often performance—how a dressage rider keeps her horse. When you make the fifty-kilo beast of your body, walk gracefully with the prettiest braids—your mind is tight on the reign as your teeth scrape to close in on an invisible bit you repeatedly chew in silence. There is an ugly euphoria in control. You can postulate about it as much as you like, and still, it whittles down to this: there is nothing like having power over every single part of yourself.
“Make no mistake, I only achieve simplicity with enormous effort”1
The urge to hurt is tempting when your body fails to do what you hoped it would. Muscles ache after rough movement; skin gets calloused after too much abrasion. There is no need to kick a dead horse. When it has taken you this far already, sometimes all you can do is offer it water and some grace.
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”2
It’s often surprising how much sweeter pain can taste when disappointment is the bitterest pill. The payout of control often leaves much to be desired. I cannot say for any of you, but all it has done for me is cause moments of fleeting joy at the cost of senseless violence.
The quest for refinement can lead to more weakness than strength.
“‘Who am I?’ creates a need. And how can you satisfy that need? Those who wonder are incomplete.”3
A pencil sharpened too long grows too soft and still snaps under great force. Your body is a tool, but it is definitely not a weapon.
-swan
This is a quote from Clarice Lispector's Hour of the Star. If you want something more current, consider the “it takes so much violence to be this gentle” quote from Tumblr.
Mary Oliver
This is also a quote from Clarice Lispector's Hour of the Star. I am currently reading this book. It is a wonderful read for only 7 quid.
horses represent a drive towards freedom in dreams. maybe there’s something there
i absolutely love this it was an experience reading this, and i also felt the same way when i saw the news about the horses